The Insurance Salesman Sketch


Lily: So, why can’t I just get one policy that covers everything?

Sam: It’s complicated. That’s why you need a salesman who can explain things in plain English. We live in an age of specialization, so you need multiple policies because no single policy covers all your needs. It’s like shampoo. There used to be dandruff shampoo and regular. Now it’s fine hair, greasy hair, dry hair, with conditioner, or without, with and without aruba oil, gluten free… You know how it is.

Lily: I get it, I think.

Sam: Right. So, I recommend you start with the liability policy from Standard, because that one is required by law. And then you will want the passenger rider.

Lily: You mean liability doesn’t cover passengers?

Sam: Not any more. Only the other people you slam into, like pedestrians and passengers in other cars.

Lily: Oh… o.k. What about kids on bikes.

Sam: That’s an add-on, but you should probably do it. And then you’ll want the add-on for people in your own car if you get hit while you’re not driving.

Lily: You mean like when I’m stopped at a light.

Sam: No, no, that’s considered driving. Like when you are parked at the curb. If you get hit, say like by a man who lost control because he was having a heart attack, well, you’ll be liable if someone else in your car gets hurt.

Lily: Do I need coverage for if they get hurt after they get out of my car?

Sam: Haha. That’s funny Miss Kenton.

Lily: Lily.

Sam: And then you’ll naturally want collision insurance, since you’re still making payments on that car, which is…?

Lily: Expensive. It’s an expensive car.

Sam: Yes. And just so you know, you don’t have to get full collision. You can get a reduced rate if you choose city collisions over rural collisions. Will you be doing any rural driving?

Lily: Yes, I…

Sam: You can save quite a bit if you don’t drive out somewhere you might hit a cow, or a deer.

Lily: My mother lives out toward Grand Rapids.

Sam: For sure you don’t want to hit your mother.

Lily: I meant, I’ll want to visit her sometimes… like on her birthday, and for the holidays.

Sam: You can call her. Save quite a bit on gas, too.

Lily: Just put it on there. Anything else?

Sam: Hail damage is extra. Broken windows extra. And if your car gets dinged in a parking lot, that’s extra.

Lily: Why is that extra?

Sam: Why ask why? OK, here’s one more you’ll want. I sell it to everyone because I care about my customers and want them to sleep better at night. Insurance for the insurance policies, just in case one of your policies won’t cover you when they said they will.

Lily: Why would you sell me policies for companies that don’t keep their word?

Sam: I didn’t say they don’t keep their word. I’m not permitted to say that. But it’s a good policy. Covers everything, except acts of God.

Lily: What do they consider an act of God?

Sam: Well, you know, if you’re a religious person who believes God is omnipotent and controls everything, everything is an act of God.

Lily: So nothing is covered? You mean, you’re selling a policy that covers nothing?

Sam: I’ve already sold you policies that cover everything else. You might as well have one that covers nothing. All things considered, the price is very reasonable. Should I put you down for one or two?

* * * *

With apologies to my friends who sell insurance.

Originally published at
Illustration by the author, from the Mapped Life Series.

An avid reader who writes about arts, culture, literature & other life obsessions. @ennyman3 Look for my books on Amazon

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