SATIRE

Tom Brady Celebrates 60th Birthday with Five Year Contract Extension

“Nothing surprises me any more in the NFL.” — Tom Brady

Photo 2017 by Jeffrey Beall. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International

Foxboro, Mass — August 3, 2037. Today Tom Brady celebrated the start of the New England Patriots 2037 preseason with both a victory and another five year contract extension for an undisclosed figure rumored to be in the neighborhood of one billion dollars.

The Brady-Belichick relationship has produced so many records that it may be centuries before we see this kind of success repeated. For the last 18 years Belichick, now 89, and Brady have been setting new records every time Brady’s Nike-endorsed cleats touch the turf. Tom Brady’s win-loss ratio is such that he could lose 100 games in a row and still have the highest win-loss ratio in NFL history.

The legendary quarterback entered pro football in 2000. Though only 1 for 3 in his only game that year, he soon became the true archetype of a superstar.

When Tom Brady turned 50 it became apparent that he was such a money machine for the NFL that rules changes were in order to keep him in the game. The Patriots had now been in 20 of the 27 previous Super Bowls, and each of the seven he did not play were the least profitable for the league.

In 2028, under the guise of protecting quarterbacks from life-threating concussions a rules change was implemented in which defensive rushers were no longer permitted to knock quarterbacks down. Rather, quarterbacks would tuck a red hanky in their belt, a variation of flag football. A minimum of six inches of red was required to be visible to incoming rushers.

This rule helped protect Brady from suffering serious contact during most games and though many fans promised to boycott NFL football, and Change.org obtained one million petition signatures, NFL revenue continued to climb.

In 2029 Tom Brady was suspended for two games after the New York Jets proved Brady had been deliberately leaving only three inches of the red flag showing. This incident was called Flag-gate and argued about extensively on ESPN for weeks.

In 2033 the flag rule was modified after Brady was roughed up by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the controversial Super Bowl LXVI. Afterwards two Bucs players were later fined and suspended for four games at the start of the 2034 season. When it was feared that Brady would retire, the League spent no time devising a plan to keep the ratings star in the game. After two months of deliberation the League implemented a rules change and Brady was induced to abandon retirement.

The new rule was that quarterbacks could not be bumped into and in order to be considered “tackled” incoming tacklers would have to write their initials on Brady’s jersey. Rushers would now be required to carry Sharpies when playing the Patriots.

Brady also requested permission to be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame while he was still playing. Six team owners threatened to pull out of the League, including America’s former favorite team the Cowboys, if this happened. The HoF request was denied.

Despite the veto, Brady chose to continue playing. When asked how he stayed motivated he cited the three seasons in which the Patriots never lost a game. He vowed to produce three such seasons in a row before he retired.

Now that the pre-season has begun fans and media should verify practice times daily by calling 508–549–0001 or by visiting www.patriots.com/trainingcamp.

An avid reader who writes about arts, culture, literature & other life obsessions. @ennyman3 Look for my books on Amazon https://tinyurl.com/y3l9sfpj

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